Trust
by volk-krosh
Summary: Set after the events in the anime. No manga content. Natsuki is trying to decide if its possible to be able to trust herself or Shizuru. Shizuru working out some past issues. Soon to go up in rating for CP, D/s play, etc. Citrus on the way! ShizNat


After the festival they had resolved things into a simple "yes" Natsuki had realized she could not live without Shizuru, that she might not be quite there with her and the kind of love she was offering her, but that she could always give it a try if Shizuru assured her that even if it failed she didn't have to lose her.

Shizuru never expected that answer from her, never thought she could be that happy, she knew that even if Natsuki some day told her that she couldn't love her the same way and broke it off, she would still adore her, after everything that had happened she just wouldn't be able to say goodbye unless Natsuki demanded it.

At first Natsuki did not know what to do or how to do it, even if she had read as much as she could find, the only information that repeated itself was anatomical parts and "everyone is different" but there never was any actual helpful all working, magical charm.

She tried to follow Shizuru that somehow seemed to always know what to do and when, she always seemed to know what Natsuki wanted and how she felt like having it, there had only been one time she had to stop Shizuru in the middle of things and tell her she had a head ache. The truth of the matter was that Natsuki had a bad flashback, one of those that crowded her nightmares from the festival. She knew Shizuru loved her and deep down she knew she loved Shizuru too, that if there was someone in this world she could trust it was her, but that same thought scared her, after all they had done how could she trust her? How could she even trust herself?

Their relationship was worrying in and of itself, there was very little Natsuki wasn't worried about, she had nightmares where horrible things happened and she woke up from them within the nightmare and when she turned to Shizuru for reassurance she saw the eyes she had when she stood between her and a sea of fire where tens of thousands of people died, the process repeated itself several times before she woke up for real, shaking in a cold sweat terrified out of her life that the nightmarish Shizuru would be next to her in that bed and she would be unable to call Duran, or even her element.

She knew there had to be a way to call at least Duran, she felt him, she could tell right before he showed up that he would, that he wanted to, that he would help her no matter the situation, but the same thing that took her to a deep isolated place in her mind not too long ago was threatening with doing it again, she could feel Duran trapped, unable to come out to her rescue, she could feel him wailing in pain from being unable to get to her, she knew there had to be a way to free him if he was still there, she too could feel the cold in her hands every time she tried to call her element, the same reassuring feeling she felt when they were about to come to her, only they no longer came... those worried her less, she didn't feel any emotion from them, unlike Duran.

She tried her best to look like everything was peachy, she was trying to convince herself it was, but the nightmares in which Shizuru's eyes made an appearance were eating her away, she wondered if she was trying to make everything look good because she was afraid Shizuru would regress to that if she didn't, she couldn't shake the doubt away, did Shizuru trust her? If she hurt Shizuru would she retaliate like that? She could not stop herself from wondering what would happen, if she should even be anywhere near Shizuru, if she should bolt in the middle of the night, then whether or not history repeated itself she wouldn't have to see it, or perhaps she would see it just to be sure one way or another, maybe then the nightmares would stop.

If the supernatural part of their relationship wasn't worrying enough, there was also the all to normal side that concerned her, she still was no good at handling daily situations, like waking up with Shizuru holding her, she still had flashbacks to what could or could not have happened in that house Haruka would break into, and having Shizuru so close still made her nauseous before she remembered where she was and the feelings of warmth and guilt made their way in.

She treasured the moments when it seemed they were the only two people in the wide world, she truly loved Shizuru and she could feel it loud and clear then, but those moments where few and far between, she tried to keep going on them, hoping against hope that they would be enough to keep her sane, after all if she could feel that way it had to mean that what she was doing wasn't wrong, it wasn't insane. Even if it felt that way.

It was one of those nights when they felt as if they were the only two people in the world, Shizuru lay on top of Natsuki, Shizuru's hair hung loose on the side of her head, next to Natsuki's, they could feel each other's breath in their skin. Shizuru had made the first move, like she always did, after kissing Natsuki she had move on top of her with the kiss, she had stopped for a moment to admire Natsuki's perfect shape, flawless skin, when she noticed something on Natsuki's eyes she had not stopped to consider times before, she wore the look of a parent who is being complacent with a child's whim, something concerning in and of its own, but lurking behind that was something much deeper inside, much more dangerous and worrying.

"Is Natsuki afraid?" the words ran out of her mouth before she could stop them, before she could even tell what she was doing.

Natsuki's face reflected a note of worry that was quickly revised into confusion, Shizuru could see the engines working inside Natsuki's head at the same time she could feel her heart breaking. She scared Natsuki.

She was stupid to even think she could have this, that she could be happy, that Natsuki wouldn't be afraid of her, after all she had killed her and everyone she could before that... why wouldn't Natsuki be afraid of her?

She started to rise, she would go away, as far away as she could, where Natsuki could ignore the fact that she ever existed, she would do anything Natsuki needed her to do, anything to make Natsuki happy. But before she could sit up, Natsuki had figured out what Shizuru's next step would be, without thinking her arms extended, her hands took hold of Shizuru, they were rock, iron, steel that held on to Shizuru's arms for dear life. She could not let her go, she could not live without her.

Shizuru tried to move before she noticed Natsuki's hands, before either of them noticed Natsuki's hands, they went on their own, Natsuki refused to let go. Afraid or not she could not live without Shizuru.

"Don't"

"Natsuki is afraid of me"

"I love you"

"I cannot stay here if Natsuki is afraid of me, Natsuki should be happy"

"You are the only one that can make me happy, please don't leave me"

"How can I stay like this?"

"How can you leave?"

Shizuru's eyes quickly filled with tears, she didn't want to leave but she couldn't remain. "How can I help Natsuki trust me?" _is it even possible?_ Her mind hammered her.

Natsuki stayed very still, she did not know if it was possible, and if it was, she didn't like the ideas that reached the top of her head in time. Shizuru's mind in turn tried its hardest to come up with a possibility she could propose, a realistic one that is, since her immediate thought had been "go back in time and undo what's done"

Natsuki was first to speak "I don't know, but I can't lose you"

"Why is Natsuki afraid?" of all the stupid questions she could ask, she chose this one, because if anything she might come up with something if only she knew what she was up against.

Natsuki took her time thinking it through, she couldn't put heads or tails on it, much less try to explain it in ways that wouldn't hurt Shizuru when she said it.

"Natsuki needn't be subtle, if she could just put it as it came to her?" Shizuru was using a soft tone while she maneuvered them into a sitting position "I truly wouldn't be offended or hurt by anything Natsuki might say, if she could just try to put words to it" _any words, really,_ thought Shizuru.

With that thought, Natsuki was able to speak, if at least it wouldn't make matters worse. "Truly I have no way of explaining this in a rational way, Shizuru, and I fear I might insult you in some way when it isn't my intention, but if you assure me that you wont take my lack of tact as an intent on insult, I can try to put it in words" Shizuru nodded at this, she didn't think Natsuki could insult her, but being the conversation about why she was afraid of her, she could see what she meant.

"Well, truly I think I could say I'm afraid of hurting you, I'm afraid of what might happen if I make a mistake" she trailed off, but before Shizuru could speak she quickly added "not that I think you would hurt me, I really don't, I just..."

"I see... what is Natsuki afraid I will do?" she already had an idea of what the answer to that might be, but she best be sure

"Well... I... I don't really know..."

"Is Natsuki afraid I will... get out of control?... like during the..." she was interrupted by the younger girl "No, no of course not! I just... uhm... I just don't know what would happen... I don't think you would... do things... like that again, its not that! I just... I just don't know what **would** happen..."

"Ah..." Shizuru put on her thinking face, the same one she used for hard business decisions, so no one dare challenge her on them, mostly because she didn't want Natsuki to know that she herself was scared of what she knew herself capable of.

Natsuki swallowed hard, she absently wondered if the time had come when she would find out once and for all what would happen, and whether or not she should've ran for the hills... then again, the irony was sound, if it happened, it would during a talk to try and fix it...

"Shizuru?" she tried with more uncertainty in her voice than she realized

"Yes?" one of her more stern serious tones came out, best to over do it than under do it.

"Do you trust me?"

"With my life" Shizuru breathed a quiet sigh of relief. That was an easy question she wasn't expecting. Contrastingly, Natsuki felt miniscule, after all it had been her who had ultimately decided to take Shizuru's life, no the other way around. She couldn't help herself asking "Why?"

"I love you, and my life is a small price to pay to be permitted the undeserved privilege and happiness of being with Natsuki, there is nothing she could ask or want that I wouldn't give, nothing she could do to make me love her less, nothing she couldn't tell me, nothing I would deny her" she had replied without even thinking, without a second's hesitation, as she spoke she looked into those deep eyes she loved and couldn't help saying more than necessary. "If Natsuki woke up one day and told me she didn't love me, I would let Natsuki go, but I would still love her."

The words sounded inside Natsuki for a second, she too loved Shizuru, she wasn't sure she thought this far in, but she knew if she needed something from her, she would give it. "I don't have your way with words, Shizuru but I too would give you anything I could, I would do anything to make you happy, anything to be with you... I'm just incompetent."

"Natsuki is not incompetent, she has made the hardest choice I could imagine, and she made the right one, something I could not do..." they both knew what she was talking about, something that had remained quiet between them until now.

Natsuki had a sudden impulse, she could not stop or comprehend "Shizuru" she said with a sudden harshness unlike herself, bringing the older girls eyes on her immediately, "extend your right hand, I will hurt it" before she could think about what she was doing, Shizuru's hand was outstretched towards her, palm up. Natsuki's hand went to it quickly and it began doing something of its own volition, it began producing cold, soon one of Shizuru's knuckles was covered in frost and she heard her swallow hard before she let out a hardly perceptible whimper, when she heard it she quickly removed her hand which was still producing cold.

She had forgotten she could do that, one of the few HiME gifts she still had left, somehow all of the little knacks that had to do with her body were still left there, she healed at an amazing speed, she had no need for sleep or food, she had it but it did not bother her if she went days without it. She could see almost perfectly in the dark, her agility hadn't changed despite the change in life style, her strength was still well above that of a healthy, well trained male her age. She had not asked Shizuru about her own knacks, but she would.

"I'm sorry, Shizuru, so sorry! I don't know what took hold of me! Are you ok?" her normal self had come back and she had seen the angry skin on her girlfriend's knuckle. "I am fine, Natsuki did not hurt me" even as she said it small tears started to form on her eyes and she had to push hard for them not to spill, the sudden cold had literally attempted to freeze her hand solid, and it had managed to burn her skin badly, but she wouldn't make Natsuki feel bad, it would go back to normal soon enough and Natsuki's feelings needn't get hurt. She could tell the girl had not realized what she was doing, it had been so sudden she herself probably didn't know how it came to her.

"But she has given me a good idea." Natsuki didn't know if she meant what she thought she did, but she had every right, so she raised her hand to the older girl and looked away.

Shizuru staid thinking and massaging her hand for a few minutes before she thought she might be able to share her thoughts, and that was when she realized what Natsuki was doing. Sometimes what went on her princess' head was beyond her, but she could see she was trying hard to do what she thought had been asked of her so she did the only thing she thought appropriate. "Turn your palm facing down" she found it hard not to say "please" but she had been obeyed immediately and after a couple of seconds' consideration, she struck Natsuki's hand with her own outstretched palm. She thought the time she had probably had the hand up and the unhealthy red on the girl's face had been enough payback, not that she needed any.

She too had HiME gifts left over, she had almost all of the same as Natsuki, except that instead of producing cold, she could produce poison and had been unwilling to put possibly deadly poison into her. She herself was impervious to poison, they had tested her with all the modern concoctions and a few of the old they could find. In contrast she knew Natsuki to be just as impervious to incredibly low and high temperatures.

Natsuki's hand had remained in place for a few more seconds before Shizuru commanded it back at ease. It gave her the courage to ask some... intimate questions "Would Natsuki mind answering some questions for me? I'd repay her with answers to anything she might ask" she thought it was only fair to give what one asked of another.

"O-of course, ask" she wondered what she might have to ask, but the offer was tempting and she couldn't refuse after Shizuru being so lenient with her.

"Has Natsuki ever been... chastised?" she could find no subtler word.

"Chastised? How do you mean?"

"Well, I mean to ask Natsuki if anyone has ever..." she took a second to think her next word when Natsuki cut in "If you're going to ask me to answer your questions, get to the point " she had already agreed to answer her questions, but if they were this uncomfortable, she preferred to not do Shizuru's job on ending her questions for her.

Shizuru could see why Natsuki would say something like that, but it didn't make asking things like this any easier, "As Natsuki wishes, I meant to inquire if Natsuki had ever received corporal punishment" she had tried her most business like tone, but knew her voice had broken at the last word.

"I have, what of it?" Natsuki's adolescent defiance had made its way into her answer, she couldn't help it, when it came to her sore spots she never could

Shizuru got the feeling that perhaps her brilliant idea hadn't been all that brilliant after all. " I was just thinking that if Natsuki was afraid of hurting me or making a mistake, perhaps we could... ah fashion a more secure environment in which she might feel safer and she may then lose that fear" she figured the longer the rabbit stays in the hat the more restless the crowd gets.

"You mean..." her brain was working full time with the possibilities and implications of that she had just heard "You mean... no, what do you mean Shizuru?" certainly she had heard wrong, how could she had said what she thought she just said? Surely she must be misunderstanding.

"I mean that perhaps since Natsuki is afraid of doing something that might hurt me or in some other way be bad for our relationship and can only guess as to how I might react, I am offering Natsuki a more direct and simple approach to the problem so she might find out the result in a safe environment, knowing I would not hurt her." She figured it was risky, but she preferred any risk to losing Natsuki.

"But I don't understand, what you are implying is preposterous, not to mention dangerous!"

"Why does Natsuki think it dangerous? I believe she needs to be in control to feel safe, and I'm willing to relinquish my control to her so she may feel better, I have every ounce of trust in her"

"That's all well and good but how does me having experienced corporal punishment factor into this?"

"Because for one to know how to administer it, one would have to have felt it first. And I myself have felt the sting from it and would be willing to share my experience, even relive it at Natsuki's hand." _Stroke by stroke if necessary _she thought but dared not say.

The heat that filled Natsuki at the sound of these words spoken from Shizuru's lips could not be contained, she felt a pressing urge to touch her, and without thinking her hand reached for her, bringing her chin close, allowing Natsuki to plant a long deep kiss on her companion's sweet lips. From there nothing could've stopped what came.

Natsuki had taken control of her girlfriend, pushed her back onto the bed and laid on top of her, touching her everywhere her hands wanted to go, rubbing, pinching and grasping everything that came into contact, everything that might solicit a pleasure sound from the older girl, her lips had not just stayed in Shizuru's, they too took to traveling, they sucked and bit on her neck, flicked on her breasts and kissed everywhere else. She hadn't an idea of how she had maneuvered herself between her lover's legs, but she had found even more to suck and lick there than she had ever.

The most beautiful masterpiece had started playing on Shizuru's throat, one that carried waves of pleasure on to her conductor, Natsuki soon found how helpful her tongue could be when _inside_ her lover, she had thought the reactions she had elicited from her when it was _outside_ were as good as it could ever get, she couldn't even had dreamt one could do such things to another, but the response had been sufficient for an encore. By the time Natsuki's jaw and tongue halter could not bear a single stroke more, Shizuru had felt more orgasms than she could remember. Natsuki had never done something like that, but truly if their talk had given her such divine inspiration, she would even more willingly submit to her hand.

Once they had both calmed, they laid on each other's embrace, an idea made its way into Natsuki's mind "Say Shizuru, were you a naughty or mischievous child?"

"I don't think so, why?"

"Why else would you have... er..."

"Oh... well my family was... traditional, I suppose. My father fashioned himself quite the disciplinarian."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to pry, you had just said I could ask anything and it made me wonder."

"Its alright, I was thinking we might be able to reach an agreement, maybe even sign a contract?"

"What kind of contract? What for?"

"I've read in the internet this is something some people do to... spice their love life a bit, but I think it might work out for our situation in stead. Of course I wouldn't object if it also spiced something up." She gave a small giggle when she saw Natsuki's cheeks beginning to burn. Natsuki knew what Shizuru was talking about, she too had read about it, but she didn't know she wanted to try that.

After some coercing Shizuru managed to get Natsuki to agree to it and they started drafting their contract, they would leave it at "indefinite" or "Until one of the parties should find it unbearable to continue" so they could get free of it at any moment, but it could also last as long as they wanted it to. They added something to the effect that should they use their safe-word the contract could be retaken when and if they wanted to, this way they would not have to write a new one, they could also add and remove parts as they saw fit, after all this was their first time writing a contract like this. As they wrote it Natsuki made Shizuru agree that the contract was effective for them both, she too would be able to relinquish her control to Shizuru, after all the whole ordeal was being prepared so she could fully trust her companion, what better scenario to test if she could.

Some of the most important points were that any kind of discipline was allowed. The sub would lift their arms and place their hands behind their head to signify the change from Dom to sub, this way either of them could relinquish power at any point, they also had a word for it –parched, in case they wanted to do it without making it so obvious. The most basic, yet most important point in their little draft was that the sub was entirely at the mercy of the Dom, the only control the sub could gain while still a sub was the safe word. The Dom could ask anything from the sub, could do anything, say anything, demand anything and could at any point in time relinquish that control.


End file.
